Understanding Terms and Behaviors of Toxic Relationships

Overwhelmed?

Are you Feeling the Overwhelm from all the Different Psychological Terms for Abusive and Toxic Behaviors?

Terms, terms, and more terms…

• So many words!
• So many labels!
• So many terms!

Understanding the terms of toxic relationships is the key to change

Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed when reading about all the psychological lingo surrounding toxic behaviors? I know I do! It can be so confusing. I literally feel like my brain can’t take another complicated explanation as to the “whys, or what’s it called when people do this or that.” However, when you understand the terms of toxic relationships, that’s when the magic happens.

Understanding specific terms for behavior, relationships, attitudes, etc. is vital for freedom, growth, and change.

Confused?

Confusion over the terms of toxic relationships

One confusing term is… narcissist. I had an inaccurate, or shall we say an incomplete, definition in my head of this word. (Probably because the only exposure I ever had with a narcissist was the overt kind. You know the male chauvinist who thinks all women should be seen and not heard or “her place is in the kitchen” kind of mindset. My ex-step-father is the epitome of an overt narcissist.) So when someone suggested that I may be in a narcissistic-type relationship, I was immediately confused. I thought, no way, this person is very humble, or at least, they profess humility. (Uh, here’s your red flag, girl!)

Different types of narcissism

It wasn’t until recently that I began to understand the different types of narcissism. Now I know that this type of behavior is multifaceted. What I mean by that is, this particular term can be defined on a spectrum. For example, it can mean displaying grandiose behavior (overt behavior) or it can mean portraying a false humility (covert behavior.) Understanding unhealthy narcissism and it’s different levels as being toxic can bring freedom. It took me a hot second to wrap my head around this little trickster of a word.

Educate yourself with the terms of toxic relationships

They say education is essential for success. I wholeheartedly agree. In this case, it is success, especially emotionally, when you can put a term to a behavior and grow from that knowledge. At this point you will begin to discover the healthy and unhealthy behaviors in a relationships. As an added bonus, this doesn’t just apply to the people around us, but we can apply these terms to our own lives. When we know what the heck the problem is, we can fix it, or change it, or in some cases, change our circumstances. Knowledge really is power!

Listen… I know, that it may seem like simple logic when it comes to understanding toxic relationships. For some of us having lived years of our lives, especially our formative years in this type of abuse, we believed that this was normal. It’s incredibly hard to see dysfunction if that is all you know. Therefore, we stay, we forgive, we tolerate. So please don’t ask why we don’t just leave and move on. Be patient with us, we are still learning. To my sister who has been through this or is going through this right now, be patient with YOURSELF and give YOURSELF tons of grace. You will get there with time and healing. Just keep learning.

15 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

1. Silent treatment
   • It is not normal to be given the silent treatment. Now just to be clear about this, sometimes it is a super good idea to “take a break”, “cool your jets”, “slow down”, and BREATHE! I’m NOT talking about needing a little time to calm yourself and re-group. What I am talking about is a complete disregard to your presence for extended amounts of time. This can be devastating because it makes you feel completely invisible, like you are an inanimate object. This is a toxic behavior, for sure!
2. A disregard of your privacy
   • It is not normal when someone plumages through your things, your phone, or your emails, etc. without your consent. (I was told that in intimate relationships, you do not have privacy rights.) During one of my therapy sessions, my therapist said that her significant other would never ask if he could go through her emails or phone, but if he did, it would not be a problem because they trusted one another. This level of trust was lost on me. I had never experienced this nor seen it in action. I wanted it in my relationships and hoped for it to be part of my life one day, but at that moment it was foreign.
     • It is not normal to be exposed to things like…
3. Angry stares
4. Slamming doors
5. Throwing things
6. Punching walls
7. Standing over the other person
8. Yelling & name-calling
9. Unfounded accusations
10. Tracking the other person
11. Clenching fists
12. Leaving without telling your significant other where you were going
13. Getting in the other person face
14. Tearing up the other’s favorite things
15. Stonewalling
    • Another form of psychological abuse is stonewalling. This type of behavior’s prime goal is to punish the other partner. It is saying, “I don’t like what you have done or said so I will ignore you. You are not important to me. You are not here. If I don’t look at you or acknowledge you, then you are a wallflower and invisible. You do not deserve my attention.” Stonewalling is a form of emotional distancing. This is very destructive over time and causes a separation that is very difficult to correct after repeated use. When you feel like you are crazy for wanting attention from your significant other, understanding this term in a toxic relationship sheds light on your confusion. And just to be clear YOU ARE NOT CRAZY FOR WANTING ATTENTION FROM THE PERSON WHO SAYS THEY LOVE YOU.

An alternative example

A healthier way to communicate in a disagreement would be to say, “Hey. Look I can see that right now we are both heated and no good will come from us trying to talk about this right now. Can we agree to calm down, take a breather, and meet back here in an hour?” This is an acknowledgement that you are angry and they are angry. Because you love each other and, hopefully are trying to change the pattern, you stop and take a moment to get yourselves under control before saying or doing something that you will regret later.

If this is not occurring then you will want to consider other options, like getting out of the relationship. While that may seem drastic and harsh, the truth is if there is no change for the betterment of the relationship and one or both parties do not intend to make necessary changes then your life will continue to be sub-par, unfulfilled, and “off.” I am sorry if that revelation is a shock, but unless people are willing to admit fault and commit to change then, guess what, nothing will change.

This healthier way in handle situations acknowledges the feelings and the anger, and allows one to be emotionally mature enough to say, “Time-out! I love us too much to destroy one another. Give me some time to get under control and we can come back and reconnect in love and respect.”

Great resource for understanding terms of toxic behaviors

The powerful book, Invisible Scars: How to Stop, Change or End Psychological Abuse by Catharine Dowda, has been instrumental in helping me understand terms. Dowda provides poignant examples of abusive relationships and behaviors. I highly recommend this resource for valuable insights regarding abusive behaviors. Learning about the “terms” in this book and others can be your pivot. A pivot is a cool way of saying, “about face”, “180-turn.” It is your moment of “enlightenment.” It is that moment when you realize, I’m heading down this road, journey, life, etc. going in this direction and it doesn’t look too productive. I think I need to turn around…PIVOT, girl, pivot!

The process

Mine is a pivotal process. Haha! It wasn’t a specific, definitive moment. It is a slow turn, like a crock-pot vs. an Insta-pot. Mine came in little, small A-HA moments.

One revelation at a time.

One new term learned and applied.

One hope for a changed behavior.

One A-H-A moment after another.

Now while it may sound like after a few of those “aha” moments, I woke up and have become so emotionally aware of unhealthy and toxic behaviors that I have no problems in relationships! HA! NOPE! That is not at all the case. I wished it was that easy. But honestly, with each new “revelation” and each new understanding of the terms of toxic relationships, I am able to see toxic behaviors and call it out for what it is. A-N-D I can see how I also have some work to do on myself as I have picked up some of these bad behaviors.

However, let me warn, understanding the terms of toxic relationships can actually be more dividing and isolating than the silent treatment or simply remaining in the dark. Why? Because when you understand these toxic terms it gives knowledge and with that knowledge comes responsibility. Responsibility to change.

Responsibility to…

• Acknowledge the toxic behavior.
• Yourself to do better.
• Share the truth you are learning and…
• Make hard decisions that may drastically change your life.

Knowledge of the terms of toxic relationships

This knowledge can isolate you in a way that may bring about the end of a relationship. Y’all, I’m sorry. It sucks! If this relationship is a family member or a spouse, or a long-time friend, and they refuse to see their behavior as destructive or if they refuse to change, then the decision to either end that relationship or significantly reduce time spent around that person will just plain suck! It is painful. I mean like death, painful. I do not want to sugar-coat the hurt and loneliness that accompanies these revelations, these eye-opening moments. It is significantly painful, to the point you think…”I can’t do this. I can’t hurt like this and survive. I can’t bare this pain.” But speaking from experience, YOU CAN. I promise.

When you learn the terms for the behavior, when you see it for what it is, when you accept it in your soul, you make the changes in yourself and in your circumstances, then you feel ALIVE again, empowered, and in control of your own life.