Why do we stay in toxic narcissistic relationships?

Why do you stay in a toxic relationship?

How many times have you been asked this question? Countless times? “Why do you stay with him?” “Why do you stay in a toxic narcissistic relationship?” This question came from therapists, friends, family, police, and even complete strangers. The most confusing part of this rhetorical question is the fact that we don’t really know the answer. If our daughters were in this type of relationship or our friend, we would believe that it was toxic, unhealthy, abusive and time to walk away, and yet, we stay. Why?

Only you know the answer

Truth is, every one of us may have different reasons for staying in toxic and abusive relationships. It could be fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, people pleasing, or for some of us it was a normalized behavior due to our past and parental examples.

Reasons NOT to get stuck ruminating the “WHY’s” you stay or leave a toxic narcissistic relationship

1. It slows your progress
   • Trying to figure out the how’s and why’s that you stay in a toxic relationship provides answers for your own healing BUT if your not ready to hear it then it provides no value and slows your healing. When you’re ready to see the reasons you tolerate that kind of treatment THEN you can work on healing those traumas. Until then, simply getting out is your first priority.
2. You’re missing out on the present moment
   • Beauty is all around us for our pleasure. That beauty may be in nature when you take a walk or in the smile of a baby who coos and makes our heart fill with joy, or even the witness of a kind act toward another human. If we are stuck in the cycle of ruminating about what we feel we are missing out on because of the break up or discard or damage to our broken heart, we are missing the simple joys around us. BE present. Practice mindfulness.
3. It doesn’t really matter
   • Going over and over in our heads as to why we stay or why they hurt us or why they can’t be like they were in the beginning, will never make a difference. It is only causing us mental anguish like trying to work a puzzle that doesn’t have all the pieces.
4. It won’t change them
   • This is probably the toughest part of questioning ourselves on this matter. IT WILL NEVER CHANGE WHO THEY ARE. We can do everything right, change ourselves to fit who they want us to be, keep the house perfect, our bodies in amazing shape, say all the right words, or none at all, but it will never be enough.
5. Others wouldn’t understand anyways
   • Trying to explain yourself to someone who has never been in a toxic, unhealthy, abusive relationship cannot possibly understand what you are going through. To them it seems ludicrous that you wouldn’t walk away at the first sign of problems. Don’t waste your time, they just won’t get it.

Counterintuitive

As a healthy empathetic person, who wants to grow and learn how to be a more whole human, NOT trying to figure out the how’s and why’s of toxic relationships, may seem counterintuitive, but let me assure you that your main purpose and goal in the beginning is simply to get out and get safe. Your body and mind will tell you when it’s time to begin trying to make sense of it all (and even then you won’t get all the answers your soul desires.) Be patient and loving toward yourself. Breaking the bond with a narcissist is the hardest things you will ever do but it is possible.

Dr. Ramani did an excellent YouTube video on “Why you can’t stop ruminating about the narcissist…” She has been an excellent source for information regarding the tactics of narcissists.

Second guessing

Our beautiful minds will play games with us because the brain wants to ease our discomfort, so when our hearts are broken and the addictive cycle of abuse is begging for relief, don’t second guess yourself and don’t give in when they begin their tactics to win you back. They ARE toxic, abusive, and seriously unhealthy. END OF STORY. Here are 15 signs they are toxic. If you choose to give them another chance (for the 1000th time) you will see pretty darn quick that nothing has really changed. That same abusive accusatory angry person rears his head within a day or two, sometimes minutes after you accepted them back.

Distractions

What do you do when you need relief from the trauma bond?

Distract yourself. Do all the things that you haven’t been able to do before. Take an art class. Get your nails done. Go to that movie. Plan a breakfast with a family member or friend. Get your teeth whitened. Go to the beach. Take epsom baths. Buy YOUR favorite ice cream, etc. Make the next few months JUST about you. Self-care is essential during this time, and if at all possible, either stay with family or friends or have someone stay with you. It is a critical time for you and you may need someone to take care of you.

Healing from the toxic relationship

When you are healing from this type of abusive treatment, it takes time and purposeful effort. We stay in these toxic narcissistic relationships for many different reasons and getting out and starting over seems overwhelming but I promise you that removing yourself from unhealthy relationships and healing your mind, body, and soul will be the most loving thing you can do for yourself. It’s hard and it’s heartbreaking but what you will gain is worth more than you can imagine.

See. Be. Rise.