4 Ways to Handle Invalidation

Validation 101

Hello Triggers

Have you ever been triggered by someone’s lack of understanding? Do you feel like people don’t respect your truth or your reality? Are you shocked by others inability or unwillingness to validate your experiences? Keep reading to see 4 simple ways to handle invalidation.

What’s your motive?

Maybe you aren’t looking for approval, or validation, or even acceptance. You are simply just sharing information of your life in a normal, day-to-day conversation, but that person on the other end of that interaction gives you a look of disapproval. They may say something sarcastic or passive aggressive in response. Your first reaction may be anger which turns into hurt and then maybe a few tears. No judgement here, I’m a big fan of emotional breakdowns. (sarcasm) If we are all being honest, many of us experience this as we inadvertently interact with people. What is the saying? “If it weren’t for people, I’d be fine.” Yes, I can relate to that statement. It 100% feels more devastating when invalidation comes from a person we love.

The Key to Relationships and Validation

Being validated is a beautiful part of the human experience in relationships. However, being invalidated destroys self-confidence and leaves you questioning your own reality. Invalidation from people in our lives can imply a lack of emotional intelligence or self-awareness. It can also be a result of entitlement, meant to degrade your truth. It can also be a defense mechanism for those who feel attacked but intent is not the issue here.

While we should always try to see things from another’s perspective, ironically not what they are doing for you in that instance, if this continues especially after bringing it to their attention, it may be time to end that relationship or significantly reduce time spent with that individual if it is causing you an immense sense of stress. Let’s be clear. We are not talking about a minor infraction. I am talking about when people dismiss your experience of major events in life like trauma, or neglect, or abuse. Setting firm boundaries may be your first step in handling these types of interactions.

Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable when we are speaking to certain people in our lives, like someone in a place of authority. However, when we continue to allow others to change our narrative or question our truth, which is exactly what invalidation is, a little part of us dies and we become a shell of existence. Zombified! Invalidation tries to deny our feelings as real.

Example of invalidation

Let me give you an example of this played out in a real-life conversation.

Person 1 – “Oftentimes, people pleasing is used as a coping mechanism for gaining love and approval from others, this is typically a result of childhood trauma. I know I use that as a result of my own trauma.”

Person 2 – with disgust and scoff on face…”What trauma did you have as a child!?!?” (Invalidation)

Person 1 – “Seriously? Do you not know?”

Person 2 – “Was it me? Did I do something?”

Please keep in mind Person 2 was completely involved in the life of Person 1 and has no reason to deny or not remember the neglect, childhood abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, and manipulation that occurred during Person 1’s formative years. The lack of acknowledgment given by Person 2 is invalidation.

The 2 Sides of Perspective

Calling a Spade a Spade

First, I can empathize and see why someone would not want to address the abuse incurred due to their own neglect. I can also see where, in their mind, it “wasn’t that bad” compared to their own personal trauma and abuse. I can see how this could be simply ignorance around how events and situations and neglectful behaviors affect children. However, I cannot and will not allow someone else’s interpretation of my trauma be defined by their standard of what trauma looks like to them.

“WE CAN NOT ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE’S INTERPRETATION OF OUR TRAUMA BE DEFINED BY THEIR STANDARD OF WHAT TRAUMA LOOKS LIKE TO THEM.”

Jami Kay

What is Trauma?

Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience with fundament reorganization (changes in the brain). This experience affects an individual 10-15 years after the event. Meaning it may show up later in life but can show up in ways like failed relationships, depression, anxiety, people pleasing, lack of boundaries, substance abuse, autoimmune disease, chronic fatigue, etc.

Discovering you may have childhood trauma most often happen when going to therapy, realizing you have a wounded inner child, a lack of self-awareness or feeling detached from your body. Many of us “hide” or shove our memories and feelings. This too is a bi-product of childhood abuse.

Love Covers All

The second perspective is seeing others through grace. As I wrote earlier, seeing it from their perspective of what they are ABLE to bring to the table, will keep you from continuing to be hurt over their inability to address your pain. This person may never be able to validate your experience, but that doesn’t stop you from growing. Their pain or emotional baggage may be too much to unpack for themself and their denial is a way of coping. To help us show grace to others, we can remind ourselves of how we have often pursued unhealthy means of coping?

Our expectation of what others can bring to the table or what they can’t, will leave us disappointed. I am not saying lower your standards. I am saying look at them through their own pain, see what they are CAPABLE of being/doing, then determine how you want to see their contribution. This type of re-frame will help you move through your own healing process.

In the end, their invalidation of your experience does not negate the truth.

Jami Kay

4 Quick and Easy Ways to Validate Self

Circling back to invalidation: when someone tries to deny what you know to be true for you, or minimize your personal trauma, we can apply these 4 techniques to honor our inner child and our truth.

1. Remain Calm
   • If triggered stay present in your body. When we allow our emotions to flare, we lose blood flow in the pre-frontal cortex. This is where we make decisions (logic.) Hello, brain dead!
2. Laugh
   • No seriously! See it as humor. For me this was such an obvious sign of their own lack of awareness to truth, it was truly laughable. I chuckled, then when I was on my own I physically let out a belting laugh because I see their denial exactly for what it is, invalidation.
3. Journal/write OR tell a trusted friend OR therapist
   • I am trying to be more cognizant regarding sharing my personal life and feelings with others (over-sharing is ANOTHER sign of childhood trauma.) So resist that initial urge to tell another being but instead write it out. See how you feel after you have expressed through pen or keyboard.
4. Take a moment for some quick self-care
   • This might look like listening to calming music (classical music is my fav!)
   • Make a chamomile tea
   • Practice some breathing techniques
   • Take a walk in nature
   • Pray or read scripture

Growth comes from healing

Any or all of these practices helps you to remain in your body. Part of healing from trauma is learning to remain present in challenging circumstances, not to dissociate from your body. Practicing these simple techniques will help you stay present.

Your reality

Your truth is your truth. No one can take that from you or deny it happened. Don’t allow someone’s emotional immaturity to quiet your reality. That will only continue your pain.

Trust the Process

This is a process. Be grateful when you recognize these triggers that come up. They are meant to show you your wounds. We are on a healing journey, not a destination, a journey.

Enjoy the journey.

I need this as a tattoo. No seriously!