Admitting Abuse is the First Step

Accepting that your relationship is abusive – First Step

I think for me, the hardest part of my recovery was actually admitting that I was IN an abusive relationship. Admitting abuse took months… no years. It took YEARS for me to see what was happening to me. I knew something was wrong but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. After years of counseling with MULTIPLE counselors and therapists, I finally found one that really helped me see the problem but even then it was months before I was able to wrap my head around what was happening. After taking the first step of realizing that you are in an abusive relationship even then you may find yourself trying to find other explanations.

Making excuses for your abuser is not helpful

Excuses like…

• Blaming self for causing the abuse
• Do you ever say things like…
  • “This toxic relationship is the result of MY messed up childhood,”
  • “My own insecurities has caused this.”
  • “This is because of my insatiable need to be loved”

Blaming self for the unhealthy relationship

My thoughts were “I am the only one complaining about how miserable things are so I MUST be the one with the problem.” Even when I was able to see it for what it was, the pain, the anger, the outbursts, the name-calling, the twisted blame-shifting, the silent treatment, the psychological games… even then and sometimes now, it is still a struggle to admit the toxicity of the relationship. After you get a handle on the realization of the toxic relationship, you have to learn to say goodbye.

Realizing that your relationship is toxic, unhealthy, co-dependent, even abusive is one of the hardest parts.

You have to…

mourn the loss,

let go of the dreams,

and say goodbye.

I actually wrote a “goodbye’ letter and let me tell ya’ it is an essential part of your healing process. This is incredibly helpful when admitting abuse. The process of writing out a goodbye letter allows a healing for your soul. This gives your body and your mind the ability to connect. Sometimes we have learned to disassociate our feelings from our bodies as a survival mechanism and re-establishing this connection will start your journey of healing. The goodbye letter allows you to close that part of your life. Write out the good things you will miss about the relationship and the bad things that you are now glad are over, or will be over, is instrumental in the healing of your recovery.

You will have moments of second-guessing

While in that toxic and abusive relationship, there will be times that you will long for the moments of peace and bliss to return. Those times…those moments…they are there, occasionally, but then a comment, a look, or God-forbid a question about a motive or an intent and then…the moment of peace was gone. Everything can turn on a dime. Peace can become chaos in the blink of an eye. The tension may seem palpable. It is truly like walking on eggshells.

You don’t know… what you don’t know. So let yourself off the hook. Do NOT blame yourself for not knowing any better.

Why do we do this?

• What causes us to continue to put ourselves in such torment?
• Why do we go back to a heap of garbage expecting to find a gourmet meal?
• What makes us think that the pattern that has so obviously has been set before us would ever take a different course?

One word…EMPATHY. You, my sweet friend, are an EMPATH.

Empathy

How can you tell you are an empath?

• You always see the good in people, not just good…but great!

• You are so full of love and hope that you want to believe the best in people!

You, my sister, are a beautiful loving soul who sees beauty in others and you see it in your relationships. You thought they could love you just like you needed, BUT BUT BUT…they choose not to. Another hard pill to swallow, I know. We all have a choice in how we treat one another. We all have that moment right before “all hell breaks loose” and the direction of the conversation can go either in a loving, healthy, resolution kind of way or to hell in a handbasket. Do not make excuses for bad and toxic behaviors. Every single one of us has a choice how we treat others.

Abuse is a choice

The toxic, unhealthy, abuser will

CHOOSE to yell at you.

CHOOSE to call you names.

CHOOSE to beat you down until you are crying and begging them to stop.

You may run to to get away from his tongue lashing and they may follow. Sometimes it may be the silent treatment…for days, sometimes weeks. The silent treatment can be just as devastating. The indifference when being ignored or disregarded is damaging to the psyche and the spirit.

Admitting abuse to yourself is important

For an alcoholic who goes to AA, they tell them in the 12-step program that the first step is “admittance” and for survivors of abuse, it is the same. We have to admit that what is happening or has happened to us IS abuse. Y’all it’s hard. I know, but once that hurtle is jumped, you begin to see things with a new perspective. Now I DO NOT mean that it is easier or all downhill from here. NOPE, not even close. What I mean is for your mental, emotional, physical well-being and healing, admitting to yourself the abuse is real is the hardest part but most essential first step. Sister, I know you don’t necessarily WANT to see it, I didn’t either, but it is vital to your healing. It is vital to your future. This is life and death, sometimes literally.

Abuse can kill

Abuse, especially chronic abuse, wreaks havoc on your body. Read “The Body Keeps The Score” for more eye-opening information about this. If you are sick of being sick, if you have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, or if you are thinking, “what is wrong with ME and my relationship,” please, please, please let me help you to see it for what it is, ABUSE. It will kill you. If not physically, (which is very possible)…emotionally. I am begging you with everything in me to SEE it and take the first step…ADMIT it and ACCEPT it.

You will be okay. I promise.

Your life depends on it

YES, admitting abuse as the first step is scary and big and overwhelming. Everything in you may be retracting right now. You may be longing for his touch. Everything in you may be saying, let me just try this ONE-MORE-TIME. Oh my sweet friend, I get it! Some of this cycle for you is not just an emotional pull, there is actual scientific evidence of the hormones (peptides) that are being released in your brain causing a “drug-like” addiction to the roller-coaster of ups and downs in an abusive relationship. It is literally like being on a drug. Your brain is under the influence!

Check this out…

“In the presence of such an addiction, there will be intense craving, a heightened value attributed to the abuser, and a hyperfocus on the relationship and conflict resolution. The victim’s thoughts will often follow to make sense of these feelings. Her or his brain usually turns to self-deception and rationalizations to resolve the cognitive dissonance.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims

This is not your fault

It can be absolutely maddening when in a relationship like this. Believe me when I say, “I am so sorry that you are here, right now, in this place.” I can truly empathize. I feel your pain. Really. My heart breaks for you. My heart broke for me. There is absolutely nothing we can do about our past. NOTHING! But have hope my sister, we most definitely can do something about our future. From this point forward do NOT believe the lies that are out there because…

This is not…

• “the hand that was dealt you.”
• “just the way it is.”
• “all there is.”
• And this is most definitely NOT the relationship God intended for you to have.

You did not cause this

You are not being punished for some crime or some sin or some bad behavior from your past or present. (I say this because I have said those types of things to myself…often.) You did not cause this, you did not ask for this, and my sweet, sweet sister you absolutely did not attract this. (Contrary to a popular belief circulating out there.) You can certainly learn from this. You can grow from this, you can get better, and you can see how some of the relational difficulties were due to a great deficit in your being. In other words, you needed something deeply in your inner being and you saw it in your abuser. He was able to give you what you needed…for a time, but you DID NOT bring this on yourself.

So now what? Let’s circle back around to Step ONE…

TAKE THAT FIRST STEP… Call it what it is. Then the healing begins.