Is Ignorance Bliss or Pain? | 4 ways to walk through the pain of abuse

Ignorance is not bliss

Is ignorance bliss or pain? The conundrum about ignorance being bliss is that when we don’t know what we don’t know, we “seem” to be more accepting and tolerant, possibly even happy and carefree. However, with that ignorance comes potential vulnerability. Ignorance, when it comes to relationships, can make you more susceptible to abusive, toxic, and unhealthy behaviors. Being “ignorant” to the behaviors of a toxic person may seem like bliss but ultimately brings pain. Ironically, when we remove the scales of ignorance, this awareness can ALSO bring a certain amount of pain, but stay with me here, this is good news. When becoming aware of toxic behaviors, the knowledge and awareness that bring pain can also bring healing. Keep reading to find out how.

Ignorance is pain

First let’s address pain. Ignorance brings pain. I have found this to be true in so many ways. The most profound, and may I say, painful way is when we are becoming more emotionally aware of unhealthy relationships. Now many of us struggle with admitting when a relationship is toxic and when it’s a family member or a beloved partner that can seem even more overwhelming. Yes, it is so much easier to bury our head in the sand and give excuses for every bad behavior, ill-spoken word, silent treatment, etc. But when your eyes are open to this damaging behavior, you can no longer hide behind this ignorance.

Let me just say, there is a certain amount of “protection” lurking behind a lack of knowledge. However, it will never be to your benefit. Things will not change. You will not grow. You will not heal. We must be brave enough to face the pain of the truth. I wrote about the difficulty of admitting abuse to self in a post that may give you courage to take that first step.

Be brave wherever you are

When you are be-bopping along, and life seems to be pretty cool (as long as you don’t rock the boat), there can be a certain amount of naivety that is, shall we say, bliss. To be honest, many of us are just simply not ready to face some of these realities, AND THAT IS OKAY! You are loved and honored EXACTLY where you are. Just know that the fact that you are here on this site is already a sign that you are ready to see the truth about toxic and abusive relationships.

Don’t allow yourself to beat you down mentally because you didn’t see this truth sooner.. Oh believe me it’s easy to do. You say things like, “How could I have not seen this?” “Why did I allow that?” “What kind of a person doesn’t stand up for herself?”

When the blinders of toxic behaviors are gone

When you…

• do see.
• have your AH-HA moments.
• learn that behaviors and actions actually have terms.
• understand that having boundaries ARE acceptable.
• learn that people have been violating your rights as an individual.
• see that these behaviors are disrespectful…

then, sister, sometimes this revelation brings pain.

Why is ignorance not bliss?

When you become emotionally aware of how you have been treated, how others have manipulated you, and how these are patterns have been in place for years maybe even your entire lifetime, THIS CAN BE ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING, especially when these are the people that say they love and care about you. Oftentimes, these patterns were present in our childhood. These types of toxicity are deeply embedded in our brain.

It’s hard not to criticize ourselves for not seeing this sooner or not having the guts to stand up before, but it helps me to reframe by saying to myself, “I can’t change my past, but now that I know, I will change my future.” How can you do this? We start by loving ourselves.

Here are four ways to begin walking through that pain…

1. Love yourself

Love yourself and give yourself grace. Loving yourself because you do have a right to set boundaries, you do have a right to require respect in relationships, and you do have the right to have expectations. SERIOUSLY! I had a counselor once tell me that you should never have expectations in relationships. No really, not even kidding, he did say that. That never sat right with me and now I know why.

Expectations are normal

As humans we do have expectations. As a baby, you expect to be feed, nurtured, and loved. As an adult, we expect to be loved and respected. When those are not satisfied in a relationship then you have the right to be disappointed, frustrated, and even mad that you weren’t honored in that way. If someone is not loving nor respecting you, then you have a right to set a boundary, ask for that boundary to be respected, and if not given, then you have a right to walk away from that relationship.

NO more guilt, shame, or condemnation.

Being treated with love and respect is a basic necessity for every single relationship, without it there is NO RELATIONSHIP!

So back to the original conundrum…

Is ignorance bliss or pain?

Gosh, it is hard when you see. Hear my heart here! It can be so overwhelming to open up those wounds and see the pain that others have caused by not loving and respecting you. You may spend hours or days mourning this reality. It is heartbreaking. I feel your pain. I hurt for you and with you. Sometimes this reality renders you completely helpless. You may lay in bed while the day passes you by or you may find that your motivation for life has been zapped from you. You may feel like it is just too much to deal with all this. It’s too much to face. It’s too painful to see. Let me tell you, while that may FEEL true, it is never “too much.” You can do this.

Love yourself enough to see the truth of toxic relationships.

2. Hope brings healing

There is hope sister! Armed with knowledge, the pain that is buried deep within you, will begin to heal. You begin to, one day at a time, one circumstance at a time, see people’s behavior for what it is. Then you will begin to feel in charge of your emotions again and in control of your life. You begin to see yourself as an observer and can hold those people at arm’s length for self-preservation…and for your sanity. At this point, your realize the ignorance that you thought was bliss was actually hindering you from healing.

3. Stand up for yourself

It is never wrong to stand up for yourself or require respect in your relationships. It is never wrong to have expectations, especially for those closest to you, and to be honest, it is ludicrous to think someone should NOT have expectations. We all have them and it is ridiculous and not loving to yourself to NOT have them. This is when relationships really grow closer and stronger or they end completely.

When we see each others needs, expectations, and boundaries, we can show them enormous amounts of respect by honoring those requests. 

If your relationships are not honoring, you must make a decision. Stay in the ignorance and continue to be in pain, or recognize the truth, stand up for yourself, face the pain and begin the healing.

4. Embrace the pain

So, my sweet friend, when your scales are removed and you begin to see people’s behavior as toxic, unhealthy, unloving, disrespectful, and abusive, hold yourself tightly and fill yourself full of love. It hurts. It’s painful. It is betrayal. See it. Embrace the pain. Please know that you deserve, yes YOU DESERVE, to be treated with love and respect. This is when ignorance has lost its hold on you and you have become mature emotionally.

Let it go, release the hurt and hold yourself in a space of love and respect. In turn, others will give you what you are already giving yourself.